What Came Next: Therapy, Friends and Support

I don’t want closure. I don’t know if this is an odd thing to say, but as I crossed the finish line of the London Marathon, in my Refuge vest, I did not get “end of a chapter, that’s now behind me” vibes. Nor did I want it.

Trying to forget, or pretending it is over, denies such a big part of what has made me. But let me dial back a little bit.

A few years ago, I was a victim of domestic abuse. Possibly for the second time in my life. The first time, I lived through it completely unaware. I called it gaslighting. I called it emotional blackmail. You name it. I didn’t see it for what it was, abuse, because I didn’t know someone “like me” could go through it.

In 2022, however, I was hit in the face by my own bias. I was then what someone would call a relatively well-adjusted person, and had “worked on myself” a lot, exactly to avoid repeating past mistakes. Well, that didn’t work.

Possibly because I had never called the first experience for what it was. If I had given it a name, perhaps I wouldn’t have turned a blind eye to the signals that the second relationship was flashing left, right and centre.

But if there is a silver lining, this time, instead of seven years, it took me just under three to realise it.

I could spend the next paragraphs walking you through the crisis. But as much as closure is not what I’m after, nor is simply holding a magnifying glass to the past. Because life doesn’t stop whilst we grieve. So what’s ahead is where I want to point my energy towards. It’s hard though.

I consider myself “lucky”. My scars aren’t visible, although I’m sure they scream through the mirror “third time’s a charm”. I’ve always been and remained financially independent, but that was no antidote to the financial losses or the excruciating debt. And I’m today a happily child-free pup mum, but the happily was hard earned, or learned, I’m still figuring it out.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that overcoming domestic abuse is not simply extracting ourselves from a situation of crisis, or something we achieve by crossing finish lines. I’m not sure it’s even possible. What is it we’re trying to defeat? What tangible mark are we hoping to step over? I’m certainly just trying to live. A good life, if I can.

We will begin again. But experiences like these don’t leave us. I don’t want to say unfortunately, because as I said before, they led me to doing a lot of work I’m incredibly proud of.

Therapy, friendships, financial support and emotional support have all played a part in helping me manage the side effects of trauma. And although the various degrees in which different women will need more or less of each of these at different times of their journeys will vary, I can safely say that they’ll be needed, to some extent, for the rest of their lives. They certainly will be for the rest of mine.

We can’t change the past. So let’s not try. Let’s instead show ourselves grace and be excited for what comes next.

Zaira Brilhante - @zairaruns